Just One More
by foreverchasingthedream
Summary: A look back on Carla and Rob's darkest days, their childhood. Rated M for descriptions of self harm.


**Apologies that this is again quite dark! I have something slightly more jolly planned next.**

I walk into my room slamming the door after yet another blazing round with my mam. I don't know why I bother. It always ends the same, that self pitying selfish drunk getting her own way.

As the door hits the frame I crumble against it.

My chest is tight. I can't inhale the stale air. The room is spinning. My heart is echoing around my empty shell. My eyes a darting around the room. My throat is closing. My palms are sweating. My body is trembling. I can't move. I'm trapped.

Breathe. Breathe. 1...2...3... Breathe.

The words take over my senses

"Carla you're useless, you total waste of space"

"I wish I'd never had you, you've caused me nowt but problems"

"You selfish cow"

Breathe.

My heart is slowing and I am starting to gain control of my wrecked body. I place my hands against my cold, threadbare carpet. It barely served as a carpet, merely a bed for when mam passed out and didn't have the dignity to move herself. I've long since passed the days of helping her to bed. The selfish cow.

I skim my hands along the floor trying to fully bring myself into reality. As I do my hands feel a sudden coldness. I look down to find a blade under my fingertips. I grip my fingers tightly around it. Lifting it and turning it as it glistens in the light. How is it that a cold, hard piece of dead metal has the ability to make me feel so alive?

I slow draw up the sleeves of my long sleeved black top. My favourite top because under this I could conceal my deepest darkest demons. As it reaches my elbow I am faced with a barrage of memories. Each red line on my skin a harsh reminder of the pain. A battle that I lost with myself.

I guide my right hand slowly towards my left lower arm savouring the control that I now had over myself. My next movements were my control and no one could stop me. As the blade makes contact with my arm I shudder. I shudder at the coldness. I don't know why I response like this because I am cold. Not physically but emotionally. I have no emotions, no self esteem. They have both been worn away after years of cruel words.

I slowly glide the blade over my skin and with that I feel calm and back in reality. I felt something, even if this something was pain, pain was better than nothing. I'm in a reality that consisted of yet another row erupting in our tiny little tower block flat. This time it was between George and my kid brother Rob. Usually I would go his side, I would protect him until I was blue in the face, I didn't care who it was. No one gets at my Rob without facing me. But this time I couldn't. I was too preoccupied with my own pain. If he was going to make it on this estate he would have to learn to stick up for himself.

As I continue to make red patterns on my arm I hear the faint crying of Rob. I hated to see him crumble. He wasn't cut out for life on this estate. He was a sensitive little boy who just longed to be cradled and to have his school shirts washed and ironed at the start of each new week.

I always did what I could for Rob. I tried my best, I tried to make sure his clothes at least smelt nice, I'd nick food from the school canteen just to make sure that he would have something to eat that night, if I ever found any spare money I would make sure I gave it to him or at least spent it on him. That way at least one of us could be happy for a little while.

Tonight I had let him down. I had been so selfish looking after myself that he had been left to face George alone. Something which I would never let him do.

I was brought back from my thoughts by the slamming of the front door. I knew that it would be George leaving for his late night pub session and given the time I knew that mam would have long since passed out. I took this as my cue to take back control and look after my baby brother who by now would desperately need me.

I stand up and gently place my blade under my pillow knowing that within no time it would be needed again. I looked down at my arm which now had blood stains covering it. I pull down my sleeve quickly knowing that I must conceal my weakness. No one must see that I am weak. I take a look into the few remaining shards of glass that used to be my mirror. I notice that my eyes are puffed up and red. I race across the landing and shut myself in the bathroom not ready to face Rob yet. I turn on the cold water tap and desperately splash water onto my face. The coldness matching the rest of me. I decided now would be a good time to also clean up my arm. I again lift my sleeve to see arm arm covers in ridges from all of my moments of weakness.

I tried to be strong. To the outside world I was strong. I was 'Carla Donovan' the gobby girl who never said no to a scrap. But underneath I am crumbling. I wish that someone would look into my eyes and tell me they can see straight through my lies, hold me tight and let me cry. But I cannot do that because I am Carla Donovan. The tough bitch of the estate.

As I dry my face I am back to who I should be. The me that everybody knows. I slowly open the bathroom door and pass Rob's bedroom. I can hear his sniffles from inside but I know that it is still too soon and he needs time and so I walk into the lounge. I am met with the usual sight. Mam sprawled across the sofa surround by empty vodka bottles, cans and whiskey. Scattered amongst the maze of bottles I find a few empty food packets. I reach down and attempt to start tidying up. I did this not for her or George's or my sake but for Rob's. He just wanted what every kid does; a mam who cooks and cleans and keeps the house tidy. I had to at least try for his sake.

I walk into the kitchen and open up all the cupboards. I know that Rob will have hardly eaten all day. He's too well behaved for stealing food from the canteen and so he wouldn't eat at night because the cupboards were bare bar a few mouldy slices of bread, a single can of tomato soup and endless bottles of cheap or stolen booze.

I suddenly remember that I had taken a bar of dairy milk out of Liam's backpack at lunch time when he'd been off playing footie. I had been really looking forward to eating it later, savouring something silky smooth and sweet. But I knew that right now Rob needed cheering up more than me. Let's just hope the Connor's have a large chocolate cupboard because I sure as hell will be wanting my share!

I am back in my room reaching into my worn out blazer pocket. It was barely a pocket anymore, more of a flap. I find the bar of sugar and remove it from my blazer. I also accidentally pull out a piece of paper. It was folded into a square and so I slowly unfolded it whilst sitting myself back onto my bed. It read...

"Who's the whore? You is the whore"

I was so used to the girls in school making these vile comments. I never let them get to me, or at least I didn't show them that they got to me. But tonight I was weak. I had already been so weak. I slowly extended my arm out and reach under my pillow. I pause for a moment, but what harm could one more do? The blade again dances across my skin. With the pain released I know that I must go and check on Rob and leave my own pain behind for now, it will still be waiting for me upon my return.

I slowly creep towards Rob's door and I gently knock it. I know that sudden loud noises scare him and that was the last thing I wanted. There was no response so I took it upon myself to go to him. I open the door slowly hearing each creek. I close the door softly behind me as a way of shutting out my own problems. I can see him curled up in bed, covered by the thin duvet that had been passed around half of the people of the estate. He is curled up into the smallest ball he can make of himself. From the way his chest is rising and falling I can tell that he is still crying. I silently make my way to sit down on his bed and stroke his arm to reassure him that I was there and he was no longer alone.

"Rob?" I ask trying to gain his attention with no luck.

"Rob please, sit up, let's talk." I could just make out him shaking his head but I needed him to open up to me about the events of earlier this evening.

"I brought you something." But he continued to ignore me.

"Ok Rob. We don't have to talk. Let me just cuddle you. I know that that is more important to you. I am here now" With that he started to stretch out his legs.

I looked at this poor little boy and all I could see was pain. He didn't deserve this. He needed to be free from this to make the life that he deserves for himself. I wish so badly that I could make that happen and that I could take all his pain away. I know that I cannot do that and that causes me more pain than anything. If I cannot solve the problem I at least have to do everything I can do make it better for him.

As he slowly rises he does not look my in the eye. He keeps his eyes fixated on the bed. He does not let go of the duvet cover as he sits up. He clutches it to his face and it takes me a moment to realise.

"Please Rob. Just let me see what he did" He shakes his head furiously. The tears that had been threatening to spill in the time it took for time to sit up pour down his face. He looks terrified.

I reach my hand out and place in onto the hand that is clutching his face. As our hands meet he flinches. He always knew that the one thing he could rely on was me and that I would never hurt him. It broke my heart to think that he flinched at my touch but I understood. I understood exactly what it was like to be scared of everyone.

With his hand held in mine I slowly moved them down from his face to reveal his eye that was puffed up and turning blue. I couldn't hold back at this. A stray tear ran down my cheek. I had always been so careful not to cry in front of Rob. Not to show him how fragile I was but I couldn't now. The most important thing to me had been fractured. His mind had been tainted by flying fists.

I sat there for a moment taking in his face before I reached out and pull him into my arms. It took a moment for him to respond but I felt his arms wrap tightly around my back.

We must have sat there for over an hour. I gently rocked him back and forth in my arms offering him words of comfort.

"It'll be ok. We'll get through this. Me and you, we're tough kids. Nobody is gonna bring us down. You've got through the worst part of it kid, not long left and then me and you will be out tearing up the town. We'll be out living the life, the life we never had here. This'll all just be a distant memory. We'll be rich and living in posh houses with them fancy cars. I need you and love you so much Rob. I'd have given up long ago if it weren't for you. So I'm not giving up on you now. I've always got your back kid"

And with that he had fallen asleep against my chest. I softly laid him back against him pillow and underneath it I place the bar of Cadbury's dairy milk. At least that way he would have something nice to wake up to. He at least deserved that. I placed a kiss against his forehead and said

"Na'night Roberto. Love you lots, sweet dreams"

After tucking the duvet tightly around him I back out of the room, not daring to take my eyes away from him for even a second. I reach the door and take one last look at him before I switch the light off and leave him once again on his own. I gently close the door not wanting to wake him from the sleep that in this tower block was so hard to come by. I gently place my hand on the closed door, and as run my hand across it I pray that Rob will make it out of this in one piece.

I would take all of his pain away if I had a magic wand. I wish that tonight I had been punched in the face. That was no more than I deserved. If I took all the punches he could be shielded from some pain. I let him down tonight. I left him to fight a loosing battle. I could have saved him from the pain tonight but I didn't and that hurts more than any fist.

I reach my bed once again and sit back on it. All I can picture is Rob's little face with his eye all inflamed and turning blue and black. I could kill George for what he's done but instead I reach for the blade and kill myself a little more. What harm could one more do?


End file.
